Chronicles Of A #FutureCancerSurvivor "No Hard Feelings Chemo, But I'm Just Not That Into You"

landscape-1468427752-denise-albert-chemoIt’s finally time for me to move on. ~Denise Albert, The MOMS #FutureCancerSurvivor

“Chemo” is like that boyfriend I met and dated on a bad reality show. There was a little getting-to-know-you phase that included some euphoria. I had no choice but to try to fall in love in order to continue to win. It wasn’t so bad, I told myself. I was able to continue to live most of my life the way I wanted. But like butterflies in your stomach in an early relationship, Chemo slowly made me nauseous and changed my appetite and taste completely.

You know those controlling types. Yes, Chemo was that too. Chemo wanted me to look a certain way: No hair anywhere. (The upside? My hair now always looks good and I learned how to put on false lashes – and they look awesome!)

But the thing about Chemo is that, as much as I thought our relationship was going just fine, it’s possessive. Chemo is cumulative, symptoms change and deepen, and things happen that I didn’t even think were related: Tears. For days. Out of nowhere. Extra sensitive. Extra moody though trying really hard not to show it. But every relationship is rocky – and so is Chemo. I’m happy to say I got through it.

They say not to Google medical conditions. I listened. I didn’t want to see all of the negative that didn’t pertain to me. But when our relationship turned, I wanted info. It turned out everything I was feeling was right in line with all of the side effects of my new friend. I thought I was above it. I thought it wouldn’t hit me so hard. I tried not to complain. Who wants to listen to a complainer? With every medical condition, there is ‘something’ that can lead to ‘something’ else, like a never-ending list of issues that you have to put up with for however long you can. This may develop into a short/long-term thing like sleep apnea, where you’ll need sleep apnea treatment or something that changes your body completely which you can’t get rid of like chronic fatigue.

So now that we are done, I’m looking forward to my nose no longer running all day. I’m looking forward to my nosebleeds stopping. I’m hoping my fingers and toes come back to their normal size and stop hurting and tingling. I’m hoping my bathroom visits can wait a second until I arrive and not be so urgent and unpredictable. I’m hoping I can sleep through the night. I’m hoping my body temperature regulates, and I’m not always so hot or uncomfortably cold. I’m also looking forward to not being sick constantly and feeling so nauseous. For any other people fighting cancer with chemotherapy, it might be worth looking into this chemo kush. That was recommended to me when I was feeling sick and it did make a difference. Maybe that will help some other people too.

I always heard about Chemo-brain. I’m not one to “use excuses.” But now that we’re at the end, my blinders are off, Chemo. You messed with my brain. I felt foggy. I missed having a memory. I failed at being focused. Chemo-brain exists, and I’m glad you will be gone.

I’ll certainly keep my new body, which is minus the 8 pounds I didn’t really try to lose. As for the wigs, well, my hair has never looked better. I love getting ready so quickly and don’t miss any of my old hair drama. Although I cannot say the same for others. There are many who are going through a similar problem in their lives and miss their hair. Not everyone is blessed with good hair, and they often have to resort to supplements (such as Paul Lindsey‘s Kintsugi Hair) to grow their mane long and strong! And when you have a sickness like this, everything feels broken apart, due to just one reason – hair, or the lack of it!

While I do not have that issue, my only problem is looking in the mirror and seeing someone who looks so sick – so no thank you to that, Chemo. I certainly won’t miss my kids saying I look weird without makeup. (They are right. I do.)

Here’s the thing, Chemo. With all of the bad, I learned I could handle anything. You tested me – and I won. Now, I’ll get back to being me. I’ll get my emotions back in check, and I may even decide to be in wigs for years. I’m not a short-haired gal.

Chemo, we met on a bad reality show, and we weren’t supposed to make it last forever. You were never intended to be my partner.

So I’m leaving you a stronger person. You taught me things no one else could have. You made me a better mom. You made me love those in my life more. You truly taught me how important every moment is. You reminded me to live laugh and love every day, even though I thought I was doing it before. While I still have 8 months of other treatments, I’m hoping – just like in any other former relationship – to learn from you, put the hardest behind me and to move forward gracefully. No hard feelings, Chemo, but I’m just not that into you.

By Denise Albert/ Original Source: Good